I’ve done some really dumb things today. “How dumb?” I hear you say! “How is this different from any other day full of you doing dumb things?” I hear others ask! Well… So dumb I don’t think I can even really explain it here. It’s long winded and would show far too much of my irrational, jealous, insecure side which is just not fit for the internets (or sane people). What has surprised me today was my willingness to put my hand up and say “Hi! I know I fucked up and I am so very sorry. I’ll be in the corner alternating between beating myself up and scoffing my vegan humble pie(s). Come visit me. I’m the one wearing the dunce hat!”
Normally, I would seek justification for my stupid action. I would say “yeah I was kind of wrong but…” and find some thing somewhere in the universe (moon cycles, sleep deprivation, watching twin peaks too close to bedtime) to explain my utter crappiness. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel better, it doesn’t really sort the dumb thing out and I don’t like that I am kinda good at finding these excuses and justifying them…
Today, I just shot my hand straight the in the air and admitted that I was being terrible. And irrational. And out of line. That I was behaving like a twit, but I couldn’t stop (not becuase it felt SO good let me tell you!), and that I was genuinely sorry for it. I am still mortified and terribly embarrassed by my behaviour, and I still wish today had never happened. I plan to go home, make myself a cup of tea and stick my head under my duvet until the morning but I know it’s not the end of the world. I don’t anticipate that things are going to be great for a couple of days, I do however think that they will be okay after I’ve had my fill of pie.